Avoid Cat Fights By Hangin' With The Dogs

Does a girl need girl friends or guy friends?

A friend posted this quote online a few days ago:

"Men socialize by insulting each other, but not really meaning it. Women socialize by complimenting each other, but not really meaning it either."

Comfortable silence.

Upon reading the quote, I realized how true it really is.  In fact, if is this reality that has shaped the majority of my friendships throughout my life.  This is not to say that I've never had female friends.  In fact, I have several of them right now.  However, over the course of my life, it has always been my guy friends whom I turned to when depressed or lonely or scared or in crisis.  It has also always been my guy friends with whom I would first share happy news and successes.  In fact, at every major life even since I was a teenager, my first call was always to one of my guy friends, and girl friends eventually found out later.  It never occurred to me that things should be any different.

Great guy friends = Happy me!

As my friends and I all began to grow up, our social circles began to shift and change a bit.  As we moved for work or education or love, we met knew people and slowly lost connections with some old friends.  And, as we progressed out of our teens and into our 20s, our social circles seemed to become more and more aligned  such that the girls hung out with the girls, and the guys hung out with the guys.  And I?  Well, I missed the old days, when my guy friends were across town rather than across the country.

Other women, especially those a generation or two older than I was, kept telling me that women being friends with other women was the only natural way -- That men and women should not be friends....could not be friends without falling in love, or without sex getting in the way.

In my heart, I've always known those people were wrong.

Women size-up one another.

As I said earlier in the post, I've had female friends. I even have some now.  But it's not the same.  Around my girl friends, I always feel as if I'm being sized-up, or judged, or examined, or analyzed.  Having female friends always eventually begins to feel like a competition.  Who has the best marriage or relationship?  Who is the better mother, or has the best-behaved children?  Who knows more housekeeping tricks?  Who is better educated, higher paid, or has more responsibility at work?  Who is prettier, thinner, healthier?  Who is more athletic?  Who has the nicer car, the biggest shopping allowance?  Who has the best figure, the cutest wardrobe, the best fashion sense?  Who can sing better, dance better, party harder, drink more?  Who is a "good girl," or who is a "bad girl?"Overall,

Who is the better woman?

In some ways, it feels almost as though we've never left behind the petty competitions borne of a middle school level of maturity.  And, no matter what I do, I never feel like I measure up.  True or not, I always feel as though I fall short of that imaginary mark.

Cat fight! Watch the fur fly!

When things go bad between girl friends, they go very very bad.  In my experience, women either like you or they don't.  There's no room for gray area.  If you've ever seen two cats fight, you should have no problem understanding why the term "cat fight" is often used to describe disagreements between women.  Women truly can be catty in their dealings with one another!  Women can be unaccepting, devious, mean.  And, while I maintain a few select friendships with women, I have certainly never experienced the levels of trust with those friends that I have with my guy friends.

A woman who has another woman for a best friend is far braver than I.

A simple meeting between men.

So, what exactly is it about men that makes them superior to women for emotionally intimate friendships?

• I can trust them.  I find that men tend to be more transparent, less deceitful, in the ways that they deal with their friends. If they're mad, you know it. If they're happy, you know it. I've never had to guess what might "really" be going on with my guy friends.
• They do not expect me to be like them.  They are men; I'm a woman. They have always known that I was different from them, and they have accepted me anyway.  There are enough differences, that comparing ourselves to one another would be like comparing tacos and bananas: There simply aren't enough similarities to make any meaningful comparisons, so they are able to be judged on their own unique set of attributes.
• They do not always understand me.  When I have "girl" problems, women would be less sympathetic, having experienced it themselves before and being certain they've had it worse than me.  My guy friends feel bad for me and try to cheer me up, or attempt to find cures.  When I was pregnant, my girl friends always just told me that it was no worse than what happened to them when they were pregnant.  My guy friends just hugged me and tried to cheer me up.  When I'm sick, my girl friend expect me to tough it out like a woman and get over it.  My guy friends, who society expects to become "big babies" when they're sick, aren't at all bothered if I become a big baby when I'm sick.
• They don't care if I'm not always a "lady."  As the friend, rather than the girlfriend, I'm allowed to be "one of the guys" and not always be a composed lady.  I can relax.  I can bum around in junky clothes.  I don't have to fix my hair.  I can just let my guard down and be myself. 
• My life experience is full of valued knowledge.  Since my guy friends and I have had vastly different experiences with life, my insight into the "female" psyche is very valuable to some of my guy friends.  I can advise them how to get the girl the like, make their girl happy, or get rid of the girl they've stopped liking.  I can help them to decode the other women in their lives, and that's helpful!
• My guy friends don't save up problems to use against me later.  When a woman has a falling-out with one of her girl friends, the argument is usually built from a thousand little past hurts combined with the current final-straw problem.  When a guy friend gets upset, we deal with the problem and just move on.  It's over, and won't get thrown back in my face if ever there's another problem.

Men enjoy a simple, relaxing chat.

Men are masters at relaxing and just having fun.  They don't need fancy plans to have a good time.  A pizza, some beer, and a comfortable place to sit.  I can spend hours with my guys and never feel the least bit pressured to do or be anything other than who and what I am at that very moment.  I don't have to question what they might be thinking....because they just come out and say it.  I don't have to worry what they think of me, because they are men -- and if they're hanging out with me, then it's because they like having me around.  It's simple.  It's uncomplicated.  It's a refreshing change from the pressure filled world of women, where labels mean everything and years worth of friendships can be tossed out the window in an instant over petty disagreements or insignificant differences.

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So, to the few female friends in my life: Thanks for being my friends.

To the guy friends in my past -- Darrell, Rob, Gary, Levi, Joey: Thanks for introducing me to the beautiful world of friendships with guys.

To Jack, Chris, Tom, and all my other current guy friends: Thank you for being around for all the most important times in my life without ever expecting me to be anything but myself.