Christmas for My Child

In a couple of weeks, Kaleb will be turning 3 years old!  I can't believe how fast he is growing up.  And as Kaleb grows up, his desire to know everything about the world around him only increases.  As a parent, this is both exciting and frightening for me, as those of you who are parents are sure to understand.  I'm excited that he has such an appetite for knowledge; I'm entertained, and often amused, at his fascination with new things and the innocent ways he interprets the new things he sees; and I'm scared to death of all the many bad things there are in the world that he will eventually learn about.

One of the hardest things I have to decide as Kaleb's mother -- and I'm sure this is a personal struggle for most parents -- is deciding what to teach Kaleb, when to teach it, and what interpretations to teach him.  This year, for the first time, Kaleb is starting to understand that there is something special going on that has something to do with this 'Christmas' word he hears all around him.  But what does it mean?

Obviously, with my particular spiritual beliefs, teaching about Jesus will never be an issue.  The "real" holiday for us is the celebration of Yule, which is a more private affair on the day of the winter solstice, and certainly not something catered to by retail.  He'll learn, without being taught, that it is a time for family and charity to others.  When he's older, I'll teach him about that at the same time we discuss other things believed by people with different faiths.  The bigger concern for me is how or what to teach Kaleb about Santa Claus...and I'll have to teach him something because, this time of year, Santa is everywhere.

I grew up in an active church-going family, so I was raised with the story of the baby in the manger.  And our family was also a Santa family.  Stockings were mysteriously filled by Santa Claus as we slept and a few extra presents would also appear under the tree that night, wrapped in paper totally unlike the other gifts and with "fancy" gift tags bearing our names in unfamiliar handwriting.  As a small child, I never questioned the existence of Santa.  Sometime late in elementary school, my friends and I came to the consensus that there was no way Santa could be real.  I didn't feel cheated or disappointed or lied-to.  It was just another one of those "growing up" life lessons like the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy.  Of course, I still played along at home because I had a 6-years-younger brother and, well, Santa was just fun!

I always assumed I would be a "Santa parent" as my parents had been.  Why not?

When I became an adult, I spent 2 years married, then I divorced and spent 4 another years in another relationship.  Neither of these men was big on celebrating holidays, be it Christmas or any other.  During those years, I always had a friend or two whose kids I could help spoil at Christmas time, and that kept the holidays fun for me too!

Kaleb was born 2 weeks after the 2008 Christmas, and I catch myself thinking it's almost as if me "missed" his first Christmas, because by that point in my pregnancy, he was already a very real little boy to me.  I knew the daily routine of his movements, was projecting a personality onto the little life within me, and even had a constant, running conversation with him.  Of course, I know that he didn't "miss" anything.

Kaleb's first Christmas was the Christmas of 2009, 2 weeks before his first birthday.  He really didn't understand what was going on, of course, so he ripped the paper off a few presents and life went on as normal.  When Christmas rolled around last year, he was a little more aware.  He was fascinated my musical Christmas-themed movies, and on Christmas Day he was excited about ripping the paper off the presents and finding new toys beneath.  But he still wasn't aware of things like Santa and other holiday traditions.

But this year, Kaleb is a Big Kid!  The first thing on his mind when he wakes up every morning is getting to push the button to turn on the lights on the Christmas tree.  On Thursday (the 22nd) he got an early gift of a new Big Kid bed, a twin-sized bed complete with Toy Story sheets and a headboard with a light.  He's got a dozen or so gifts wrapped and stacked under the tree.  And tucked away unseen in another room of the house, Kaleb has a stuffed stocking.  At daycare over the last few weeks, he has heard fun Christmas stories and sung songs about Santa and Frosty and Rudolph.  And when he sees images of the "guy in red," he knows he's looking at Santa.  Still, he doesn't know about the concept of Santa coming in the dead of night to leave us gifts.

But before Christmas rolls around next year, I'm going to have to decide what I want to teach Kaleb about Santa Claus.  Do I want to teach him the magical stories about a rotund, jolly man who enslaves employs elves to help him make toys for all the good children of the world and then flies, magically, all over the world -- in a sleigh with infinite cargo space hauled by 8 or 9 flying reindeer -- in one night to break sneak into homes and leave those gifts for all the deserving children?  Do I want him to compile a yearly list of all the things he wants to own?  Do I want him to leave milk and cookies sitting out as a last minute bribe treat for this friendly gift-giver?  It's certainly a fun thing for kids, and I can see how it would be fun for parents too.  Belief in magic is, well, magical!

I can remember only a few years in my childhood when I was actually "good" enough to earn toys and gifts from Santa.  By all rights, I should have had one year after another of coal-filled stockings.  I took for granted that Santa gifts were something to which I was entitled.

And I'm not so sure that's a lesson I want to teach my child.

Some time after I learned the truth about Santa, it dawned on me that I didn't get Christmas gifts because I deserved them.  Rather, I got Christmas gifts because my parents and family loved me and wanted me to have nice things.  I learned, also, that there were many children around the world and in my local community whose families didn't have all that they needed (like food and clothes), much less the resources to buy toys and other frivolous gifts.  My parents regularly would buy gifts for one or two community children sponsored through the Angel Tree program.  We took cards to the hairstylist we all went to for our haircuts and to the waitress whose section we sat in at Smokey's Bar-B-Que for lunch every Sunday after church.  At school and at church we took food for the annual holiday food drives.  While my brother and I always had pretty much anything we could have wanted (within reason, of course), my parents never let us forget that Christmas was also a time for charity and spreading love to others.

I hope that I will always be able to give Kaleb enjoyable Christmases.  But I'm not so sure I want him to grow up thinking that his gifts come from a magical Santa Claus.  I don't want him to write letters to this fictional character, promising to be "good" so he can earn presents and listing all the things he wants in exchange.

Instead, I think I want him to know that his gifts come from me and from his family and other people who love him, and that he receives these gifts not because he earned them, but because we love him and want him to have things he wants.  I want him to know that I (and his other family) have to work to give him the things he wants.  I want him to know that Christmas gifts aren't magically bestowed upon us for free, courtesy of Santa.  When he gets things he wants, I want him to appreciate the work that someone put in to be able to afford that gift for him.  And when he doesn't get everything he asks for, I want him to know that it's because we can't always afford everything we might like to have, but that we are still lucky to have what we have and that what we have -- however little it may seem -- is more than what other less-fortunate families even dream of having.  I want Kaleb to have the opportunity to take a donation to a food drive or clothing drive or toy drive and to know that his donation will help other children and their families to have a better life.  I want Kaleb and myself to be able to adopt angels from the Angel Tree, and I want him to get to help pick out the gifts for those children.

I want Kaleb to understand that holiday stories like Santa and Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer are fun stories, and that they have important themes like friendship and acceptance and honesty, but that they are still just fun, fantastic stories.

I want him to learn that everyone deserves to have adequate food and clothes.  I want him to learn that every child should have the opportunity to just be a kid, even as I know that so many children live in situations that force them to take on adult responsibilities.  I want him to know that a happy, safe Christmas filled with love should not have to be earned.

And, while I can't say this with absolute certainty yet, I'm not so sure that Santa will end up with a place in the Christmases I want for my child.