Just Because.....

Earlier this evening I read a wonderfully unapologetic rant, and I wanted to share it here.  I can say that it mirrors many of my own feelings these days, which is why I wanted to share it.  It was written by someone as fed up as I am with being negatively stereotyped.

[Some of the language contained within is not the sort of stuff I usually post on this blog.  I have semi-censored some of the text, but you'll still be able to tell what the original words were.]

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I'm a woman and I'm fat.

After you stop gasping in horror, grow the f*ck up and deal with it. You don't buy my food, my clothes, nor do you fill my car with gas so piss on your self-righteous indignation. I pay for my own health care so stop trying to blame me for your rising insurance premiums. I'm tired of hearing your false platitudes about how I should lose weight for my health. Stop ASSuming I don't eat healthy food and exercise just because I'm fat. While you're at it, stop ASSuming thin people are always healthy too.

If you don't like the way I look stop whining; do the adult thing and simply look away. Contrary to what you've been told, I don't have an unspoken obligation to please your eyes. And for your information I bathe at least once a day during the Winter, and twice a day during the Summer so stop curling your nose up. The only thing that stinks around here is your putrid attitude. Screwing your face up like that only makes me look even better because baring your teeth in disgust makes you look like a rabid hairless chihuahua.

No, I don't hate skinny b*tches. All true b*tches are worthy of respect. It's superficial skinny c*nts I can't stand, right along side superficial fat f*cks. Just because I'm fat doesn't mean I have to listen to you whine about your eating disorder to prove I am not prejudiced against thin people. I have my own eating habits to keep in check without being burdened by someone else's deliberate food fuck ups. I'm fat, not a professional sympathizer for the self-labeled "pretty people" who throw up, starve, snort coke, or do whatever stupid things to stay thin. I'm not anti-thin, I'm anti-enabling people to act stupid without criticism.

Being fat doesn't mean I have to prove my worth by nurturing everyone; including every professional victim and f*ckwit that thinks my precious time should be spent listening to their complaints of the unfairness of the Universe. Just because I'm fat it doesn't mean I drop everything I'm doing right then and there because you feel entitled to consolation on my big fat boobs. My big fat boobs aren't nearly big enough to console all the sh*theads of the world, so space is exclusively reserved for the people who really do deserve my sympathy.

I [Don't] Enjoy Being A [Stereotyped] Girl.

I don't know about any of you, but I grew up watching movies that were musical classics: Singin' in the Rain, Shall We Dance, Holiday Inn, The Sound of Music, White Christmas, The King & I, and Flower Drum Song among them.  While I loved the musicality and exuberance of these movies—and still do—I have, as an adult, begun to see things in these movies that I never noticed as a kid.  Primary among these more recent observations is that these movies, to great extent, seemed to celebrate "girly" women, women who loved dresses and lace and being taken-care-of housewives.

And this one simple observation has caused my first feeling of complete disconnect from these movies.

Of these movies, Flower Drum Song is the most obvious in it's display of these traditional gender roles, highlighting them in all their somewhat-outdated detail in the musical scene shown below.

I got to reading the words to that song a few days ago, and have been unable to stop comparing my real life to the realistically fictional life detailed in the song's lyrics.  As a formerly-married single woman, a single mom, and a woman with a full time job, my life seems to stand in near-complete contrast to these lyrics.  Below, I have listed the song's lyrics and contrasted them line by line.  Enjoy!

Stepping Back Into Sanity

Kaleb is home from a fun sleepover night at my mom's house, and I'm in much better shape than I was when I dropped him off at daycare yesterday morning.  Things had been a little tough lately, and I'm so thankful to have had a day to focus on me and to do some mental and emotional housekeeping.  As anyone who's a parent already knows, you can't be as good a parent if you yourself are falling apart!

A Rough Start to 2012

Back on New Year's Day, I resolved that 2012 would be my Year of Acceptance.  What I have discovered is that accepting things as they come my way means that I am unable to ignore them and simply hope they will go away.  Life has shown me that ignoring problems rarely solves them, and I'm also learning that facing problems head-on is both the most-productive and sometimes the most-painful way to handle them.  And I don't know about you, but I would rather just bite the bullet and get things over with than try to draw them out and deal with that dull ache over a prolonged time.

Several weeks ago, I had to take Kaleb out of the daycare he had been attending since he was only weeks old, a daycare that I once loved and highly recommended to others.  We've found a great new place, but Kaleb's adjustment to a new environment and my adjustment to an altered morning routine have been a little bit stressful.

Of course, there's also the ever-present stresses of parenting, not at all diminished by my being a single parent.  I love my son, and I love spending time with him, but it was begin to wear on me when I'm with Kaleb every waking moment that isn't taken up by work—except for the shorts drives back and forth between my work and his daycare.

Responsibility, Part II: Love & Marriage

In a time when nothing is more certain than change, the commitment of two people to one another has become difficult and rare. Yet, by its scarcity, the beauty and value of this exchange have only been enhanced.

~Robert Sexton

Let's face it: Not all couples who love one another choose to get married; and not all people who get married do so because they love one another.  And some people cannot marry, even though they love another and want to spend forever together, because lawmakers think that they should have the right to choose who can marry and who can't.  But this post is not about the politics of marriage equality; I have written about that before ► here ◄.

I have been married.  I have been divorced.  I have dated, then hated.  I have lived with boyfriends, and lived apart form them.  I have dumped and have been dumped.  I have begun and ended relationships—sometimes after many years, and several times after only a few days.  As I write this post, I am 28 years old.  Life has many lessons yet to teach me about love and romance and relationships, but there are a few things I have learned already that I consider to be certainties.

• Romance can blossom between two people who never imagined that they were one another's "type."  True love does not know money, does not concern itself with race, can overlook age, can transcend religion, does not comprehend stereotypes, and cares nothing about society's accepted gender roles.
• Responsibility is as vital to romantic relationships as it is to friendships or any other type of relationship.  And, like in friendship, you can only be responsible for your own actions, and must hold yourself responsible for your actions within the relationship.
• Responsible love demands honesty.  No healthy, responsible relationship of any kind can be built upon a foundation of lies and deceit.

Beyond these simple truths, I have learned some other things about relationships:

2011: A Year of Firsts and New Experiences

The Pensacola Pelican Drop Pelican

Here we are at the end of 2011.  At some times during this past year, the days have seemed to fly by; at others, time seems to have been moving soooo sloooowly.  But slow or fast, the time has passed.  It's time to close the book on 2011 and prepare for 2012.

At the end of 2010, I blogged about the year in a post entitled "The Obligatory Year-End Blog Post."  The title, of course, was to make a joke of the fact that pretty much every blogger of any kind writes a New Year or End-of-Year post.  But after putting a lot of work into my blog this year, updating and formatting and improving and writing more often, I've come to see that blogging isn't such a joke.  Even if no one else cares to read my writings, I've learned that writing is my therapy.  Any time I've had a bad day, a good day, a boring day, a challenging day, or any other sort of ordinary or not-so-ordinary day, I can use my blog as a place to chronicle the events of Kaleb's and my life.  And on particularly emotional days, writing is more cathartic than crying, more of a release than talking, and more comforting -- and healthier -- than all the standard comfort foods.

Originally, I had planned to wait and post this on New Year's Eve, but I've decided to go ahead and post a little ahead of schedule.

And so, as we launch into 2012, here is my look back at the past year:

Am I Whittling Away My Social Connections?

Over the past year, I have slowly begun to remove people from my "friend" lists on various social networks, people with whom I have little or no contact.  We don't ever get together, talk on the phone, chat online, or even comment on one another's online movements.  Most of this process is playing out between two digital places.

My Facebook friend list has 75 contacts, as of today, down from over 300 just one year ago.  Of these 75 contacts, about a dozen of them are people I see in person with some regularity.  Another dozen are people who are not local enough anymore for us to get together in person.  The other two-thirds or so are people who post statuses that I enjoy reading....and I don't expect them to make efforts to contact me.  A few of them don't even post online but once every few months.

Leave Your Assumptions At The Door.

Lately, I find that people more and more often make unfounded assumptions about me.  Let's clear things up, shall we?

Don't assume that, because I am overweight, I must be miserable or hate the way I look or be on a diet or be looking for a new workout routine.  Yes, I'm overweight.  But I still like the way I look.  I don't feel the need to avoid mirrors.  I'm not miserable.  I'm not on a diet.  If I were unhappy, believe me, I would do something to change.

Don't assume that, because I am single, I must be looking for a man or that I must be miserable or that I must be lonely.  Yes, I'm single.  I have been single since September 24, 2007.  However, I'm not looking for love or a relationship.  In fact, I do not consider myself to be available or "on the market."  I have turned down a few dates with nice guys because I'm just not interested in dating.  I'm not lonely; I'm surrounded by friends and family.  I'm certainly not miserable.  Currently, I have no problem imagining myself staying single permanently.

Life's Little Cheat Codes

Sometimes I think it would be nice if life had cheat codes, as I'm told many video games do.  Sure, it's fun to experience a challenge and do things the hard way, but sometimes you just need a little help.  I have compiled, in this post, some of life's little secret cheats.  Some of these are my own, and others I have flagrantly plagiarized from other websites.  Enjoy!

Home Cheats

1. De-clutter your wardrobe:

Put your clothes into your closet with all the hangers reversed one time each year. As you pull clothes out and wear and wash them, hang them up and return the hanger to a "normal" position. At the end of the year, give away any clothes still hanging on backwards-facing hangers, since you haven't worn them in an entire year.

2. Get out of the house on time:

Make your playlist exactly as long as you have to get ready. Start out with slow songs, and work your way toward more upbeat and energetic songs as you approach the time to leave. You'll be able to tell how you're doing on time by the currently playing song.

3. Open a banana the right way:

Instead of tearing open a banana at the stem (which can be difficult), just flip the banana open and open it by pinching the dark/flattened end (pinch with the thumb and first finger of each hand, then pull your hands apart). There's a reason monkeys do it this way.

4. Always remember to take important things with you by placing them with your shoes or car keys the night before.

5. Chill any warm beer or soda in minutes. Put the cans in a pot, cover with ice, add 1½ cups of salt, then fill with water. The can will chill to ice cold, on average, in about 3 minutes.

6. Save the punch:

Keep your fruit punch at a party from getting watered down by melting ice by freezing juice in ice trays before putting the punch into the bowl. Use these frozen juice cubes to keep the punch cool in place of regualr ice.

7. Rejuvenate the glass caraffe of your coffee pot or glass tea pitcher without harsh (and expensive) cleaners or chemicals. Over time, deposits build up in these items with regular use. To clean them like new, put 3 Tbsp. of salt and ¼ cup lemon juice (or half a lemon, cut into wedges) into the caraffe. Add 10-12 ice cubes, and swirl. The lemon juice breaks up the deposits, while the ice and salt scrub them away. Once the bottom looks clean again, rince thoroughly and they're ready to use!

Late-Night Poetry Reading

For months now, I have had a few words of a poem floating around in my head.  I have known they were part of some poem that I heard a few years ago, but couldn't remember any more of the details.  I remember thinking, when I first heard it, that the poem was particularly touching.  But, every time these words would come to mind lately, I wasn't near a computer or a library or a bookstore or anyplace where I could research what poem they were from.  Well, tonight the words came to me again, as I was sitting here in bed with my laptop in front of me.  I found the poem whose words have floated around fragmented in my head for so long now.  As it turns out, the poem was written by a rather prolific author and former Nobel Prize (Literature) winner.  I've read through many of his other works tonight, and find that I rather like them all!  So, as I have a favorite poet for the first time, I thought I'd share, here, the touching piece that brought me to discover his work.

I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

~Pablo Neruda [Love Sonnet XVII from 100 Love Sonnets]

It was this line that has stayed with me all this time:  "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where."

Isn't that the nature of love, perfectly put into words?  When you truly love someone, it's a feeling that is completely unexplainable.  It's a feeling that is with you all the time.  It becomes a part of you and a part of everything you do.  It becomes a factor in the way you make decisions and live your life.  Love changes you.

There's Always A Reason [Follow-Up To Romantic History Blog]

After spending my evening last night with thoughts of relationships past, I thought to start my morning by finding something humorous to read about ex-boyfriends.  So began my search for funny quotes about exes.  What I found, however, surprised me enough to necessitate the writing of this blog entry.

So, what was it that I found?

I found, rather than a wealth of ex-boyfriend humor, the internet is flooded with sites promising to help you win back the "lost love" of an ex with hints, tips, advice, subscriptions and "foolproof systems."  Seriously?!?!

I was, once, friends with a woman who wasn't particularly outstanding in any way.  She wasn't all that smart, or interesting, or adventurous.  In hindsight, I suppose she was more of a friendly acquaintance than a real friend.  She never said much of anything of note, or much worth remembering.  But she DID have one phrase that she spoke quite often, and it was quite possibly the most wise thing I ever heard her say:

"Exes are exes for a reason."

A Brief Romantic History of - - - Me.

Tonight, I've found myself thinking about the past.  Some things I remember fondly, others sadly, and yet others with tears in my eyes.  I suppose everyone has evenings like these, when their thoughts turn inward and toward the past.  And now, as my thoughts have gone inward, they are flowing back out in text format!

For me, tonight, my thoughts seem to be largely populated by my exes....and they're an interesting group.

In the 9th grade I met a man who, for the purposes of this blog, will remain nameless and mostly without description.  He was a good man, much older than myself, whom I considered to be a true friend for the short time I knew him.  There was no romance, nor would it have been appropriate (or legal) if there had been.  What there was, for me, was knowledge that this man would become, in large part, the standard by which I would measure the other men who came into my life.   

Treat your emotions like a choose-your-ending story!

Remember when you were a kid, and there were 3 types of books in the school library that were always popular?  The Baby Sitter's Club, Goosebumps, and.....those wonderful books where you got to make choices to determine the outcome of the story.  You could read them several times each, making different choices along the way, and experience the story in a new way each time.  The choices made along the way were relatively simple, but they could make a big difference in the plot of the stories.

As I think about it, life's emotional roller coaster is actually a lot like those choose-your-ending books.  With each event in your life, you make choices about how to deal with the situation.  For example:

Wilting Lilies: Weak Women!

I find, lately, that I am completely disgusted by what seems to be a growing "trend" of weak women.  Nearly every day, I read Facebook status posts by women ailing from broken hearts and "can't-live-without-him syndrome."  There are news stories about women who stay with abusive husbands, not because they are scared to leave, but because they "love him," or they "know he doesn't mean it," or they "believe he will change because he swears he will."  I hear conversations (yes, everyone eavesdrops sometimes) between women discussing men who don't respect them, don't value their opinions, refuse to pay child support, don't help around the house, or are cheating.  Seriously!  What's wrong with you, women???

Aside from disparities stemming from anatomical differences, there are no significant characteristics preventing women from being as capable as men.  Don't get me wrong, I do believe that there are differences between the genders.  The point, though, is that none of these differences are great enough to prevent women from being able to live productive, happy, and healthy lives without "him."