Honesty: It's More Than Just Words

Looking innocent in the winter of 1992.

When I was a child, honesty and I were near-complete strangers.  Right or wrong, it's the truth; and it's one truth that I have spent many years pretending didn't exist.  I lied as naturally as I blinked my eyes and nearly as often.  The older I got, the better I got at lying and getting away with it.  Sure, there were plenty of times someone figured me out, but there were plenty of times that no one did, and I learned from those "successes."

Over the years, my lies resulted in hurt feelings, disappointments to my parents and family, the losses of friendships, and some not-so-fun punishments.  Was it worth it?  At the time, I was fully convinced that the benefits outweighed the down sides.  However, as I became an adult, I began to see that there had been nothing gained from any of it—not the lying, not the deceit,  not from any of the dishonest behaviors.

I admit, I'm still not perfect.  Lying can become as addictive as any drug, and I spent well over a dozen years in the grips of that addiction and in denial of the problem right in front of my eyes.  Now, however, I see those faults in all their damaging detail, and I actively work to be honest with friends, family, and anyone else with whom I come into contact in my life.

But what is honesty, really?  Let's begin with a definition.

Honesty is the opposite of a lie, but it's more than that as well.  In fact, the act of merely speaking the truth covers only parts of the first and second definitions listed above.  Somehow, though, that leaves out the parts of the definition that deal with sincerity, frankness, and freedom from deceit or fraud.  Honesty is more than just words; it is actions, reactions, and interactions.

Have you ever thought about the oath people are asked to take when testifying in court?  They are asked to promise that they will tell not only truth, but the "whole" truth.  This means that they are supposed to answer fully without leaving out any details, even if that means talking about things that are unpleasant or uncomfortable to talk about.  They are also asked to tell "nothing but" the truth, meaning that they will not fabricate falsities or pass along fraudulent information to the courts.  In fact, defrauding the courts is an offense that can be prosecuted independently.

Why, then, do we not hold ourselves to these same standards?

• Why do we not act upon our beliefs?
• Why do we hide our disapprovals and disappointments?
• Why do we find fault within ourselves and attempt to move on in a better direction, yet not make a move to go back and make apologies to those we have already wronged?
• How do we rationalize to ourselves that we can change the future without correcting the past?

Unfortunately, I cannot answer these.  I know only these things: my past has taught me that any sort of relationship built upon, supported by, or filled with dishonesty will never, can never, be a healthy relationship—and a life built upon, supported by, or filled with dishonesty will never, can never, be a healthy or happy life.