Matthew, Part III: A "Dear Matt" Letter

• Matthew, Part I: Parallel Histories
• Matthew, Part II: The Aftermath of Poor Choices 

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Dear Matt,

I write this letter not knowing when or if you will ever see it.  I do not have a way to contact you, though, and there are some things I need to say to you.

First, I want you to know that I'm not mad at you and absolutely do not hate you.  I don't know if you care one way or the other, but it is important to me for you to know this.  I have spent the better part of the last two years wanting to hate you.  But I have recently begun to see that I do not have it in me to hate you.

Next, I want you to know that I do not believe your recent actions are an accurate representation of who you are.  I have known you for almost twenty years, and I think it is safe to say that I know you pretty well by now.  I know that you have flaws, and I know what many of them are.  But I have never known you to be a violent person, nor have I ever suspected that you would become dangerous.  It's been over a year since I have heard anything from you, and I don't know what changes may have taken place in your life that could have so altered you that you could be capable of doing the things you are currently accused of doing.  I hate that any of this has happened.  I hate it for your family.  I hate it for the girl.  And I hate it for you.

Matt, you have left me alone to raise our child without your help.  For that, alone, I deserve to be able to hate you.  You have earned my hate.  But, as I said before, I do not -- I cannot -- hate you.

If you did commit the crimes of which you have been accused, I believe that you should have to serve whatever sentence the law prescribes.  It will not be fun or easy, and I regret that it is even necessary.  However, I have decided that I will not turn my back on you.  You're going to have enough other people doing that.  On so many occasions in my past, you have been there to comfort me or rescue me from my troubles.  In your present situation, I cannot rescue you.  I cannot make any of this go away.  But I will not deny you any comfort I can offer.  I will listen if you need to talk and are able to do so.  I will write if it will give you comfort.  And, whether or not you want it or ask for it, I will pray for you, in my way, throughout this entire process.

Additionally, I want you to know that I have made a very conscious decision to not talk badly of you to Kaleb or even in front of Kaleb.  On the rare occasion when he asks me "Where Kaleb's daddy?" I simply tell him, "I don't know."  Eventually, he will be old enough to ask why you don't come around.  I do not know yet what I will tell him, but I intend to give him a simple, neutral answer.

Lastly, Matt, I want you to know that I will not throw away our history.  Please understand that I am not in love with you.  But as long as I have known you, as many different incarnations of relationships as we have shared, as much as we have meant to one another at various times in the past, I will not throw you away.

I will not give up on you.

I will not stop believing that you can become a better man.

I will not lose sight of the fact that you are a worthwhile person and deserve to be cared about.

It is my sincere hope that, whatever else happens as a result of these charges, you will have access to the type of care and counseling you very obviously need.  Something has gone off-track within you, I believe, and it needs to be righted so that you can eventually move on from this and become a productive person, someone I would once again be proud to call "friend."

Regards,

Sarah