Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Responsibility, Part I: Friendships

"But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."
~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

Although they are often neglected or taken for granted, friendships require a great deal of responsibility to be maintained and kept healthy.  Since you cannot control the actions of others, take responsibility for your friendships upon yourself!  If you act responsibly within your friendships, doing all that you reasonably can to keep them healthy and happy, then you will either have satisfying and safe friendships—or you will know, as you walk away from toxic friendships, that the source of the toxicity is not with you and that you are walking away to preserve your own well-being.

  • You cannot be a good friend if you are not honest with your friends.  No good relationship of any kind can be built upon a foundation of dishonesty.
  • You cannot be a good friend if you view your friendships only as an opportunity for your own personal gain.  A friend never asks, "What can you do for me?"
  • You cannot be a good friend if you make demands of friends.  Friendship should be a pleasure, not a chore.
  • You cannot be a good friend if you do not follow through with what you say you'll do.  Friends are dependable and reliable.
  • You cannot be a good friend if you break your promises, or if you make promises with no intention of keeping them.  This is especially true if you are only making these promises "for now" to get something for yourself.  "I'll do __________ next week if you'll give me __________ today."  
  • You cannot be a good friend if you are only friends with people because of what they can do for you or what they can give to you or buy for you.  Your friendship should have no monetary value.
  • You cannot be a good friend if you think that your friendship has a price that must be paid.  "I'll be your friend after you __________  for me."
  • You cannot be a good friend if you set limitations on your friends.  "If you're going to be my friend, you can't __________ anymore/ever again."  
  • You cannot be a good friend if you expect more of your friends than what you are willing to do in return.  Never take more than what you are willing to give back.
  • You cannot be a good friend if you believe that money or class/caste or power are important factors to friendship.  Friendships based on money and power are often short-lived and occasionally dangerous.
  • You cannot be a good friend if you only do or give with assumed expectation of a quid pro quo repayment.  Real friends don't count pennies.  If you can't afford to treat, don't.  If you choose to treat, don't assume it will come back at a later date.  Any expected repayments should be agreed upon before the first penny is ever spent.
  • You cannot be a good friend if you don't have any interests independent of your friends.  It's great to have things in common with friends!  It can become smothering if you have too many things in common with your friends.  It's downright creepy, though, if you have everything in common with your friends of if you adopt or copy every habit/hobby/interest your friends have.
I am not perfect, and I am not a perfect friend.  I have, in the past, been a terrible friend, more often than I like to admit; I have had my share of bad or toxic friendships.  I have hurt others, and I have been deeply hurt.

These days, I really try to be the best friend I am able to be.  I make myself available for friends who are in need or need to talk or need support.  I help out when I can.  I devote time to working on friendships.  Sometimes it is inconvenient.  Sometimes it means sacrifice.  Sometimes it means I do things that I don't enjoy so much, so that I can spend time with or support a friend.

But it's all worth it.

I now have a small group of close friends, whose genuine friendship means more to me than would all the fake or part-time friends or friends-of-convenience I could imagine.  I am thankful for my friends each and every day.  I love them, and I accept them as they are.  I love them, and I accept them even though they are flawed, imperfect people.

Posted by Princess Mousie

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