There seems to be an epidemic, these days, of people mistakenly thinking that children are just miniature sized adults. Seriously, folks...there really are small-sized adults in the world, but they are generally people with some form of dwarfism; they are never actual children! In fact, in the entire animal kingdom, human children are less like their adult counterparts than are the juveniles of any other animal species! Of all the animals in the world, humans have the longest period of "childhood" and dependence on the adults of their species.
Whether or not you have children yourself, you are a parent to the next generation. If we can only stop thinking of children as individual property and think of them as the next generation, then we can realize we all have a role to play.
~Charlotte Davis Kasl, Finding Joy, 1994
I'm unsure why people don't seem to get this. Every person who is a part of any society has contact with children at some time, which means that we all influence children in some way, either directly or indirectly. So, it makes sense that you could be considered "a parent to the next generation" as stated above.
And if you're going to be a parent, in any fashion,
you might as well be a responsible parent!
Since so may of the people I meet who have children also have no clue what it means to be a responsible parent, I thought perhaps I would discuss it here. Let me preface what follows by saying that I am a parent of one, have been a stand-in parent to a few dozen, an "aunt" to a handful, and come in contact with hundreds at work every day. Even so, I am far from a perfect parent. I learn new things every day about how best to care for all the various children in my life. I learn from my own parents and grandparents, from my friends, and from any number of my co-workers. Being a good parent to Kaleb, and a good influence on other children in my life, is one of the highest priorities in my life. There are times when I fail, times when I am unsure how to proceed, times when I feel utterly helpless. But my sense of responsibility to these children, both my own and other people's, pushes me to keep learning, keep improving, keep working to be the best parent I can be.
■ You have to start by caring! In every part of life, you cannot do anything good unless you care to do it. Raising children is no different. Apathy is one of the worst traits to find in someone who is tasked with raising or teaching children. No matter what else, you must must must care to be a good, responsible parent.
■ If you find out that you are expecting a baby, and you know that you will be incapable of taking care of a child—or simply unwilling to do so—in the way that every child deserves, go ahead and start interviewing potential adoptive families. Save your state the trouble of taking away your neglected children, who by then will be naturally attached to you, and go ahead and find them a safe, loving home.
■ Once you decide to carry a baby to full term, you have then obligated yourself to learn to be a responsible parent, at least for the term of your pregnancy. Responsible parenting begins at the moment of conception. I cannot begin to describe the full extend of the disgust I feel each and every time I see a pregnant woman smoking or drinking, or see then purchasing alcohol or cigarettes, or hear them discussing their use of drugs or alcohol or other drugs—legal or not—that are commonly known to be harmful to babies in utero.
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| If this pic doesn't turn your stomach, you really need to rethink some things... |
■ If you give up your child for adoption, your responsibility to that child ends the moment the baby goes home with his "new" parents. If, however, you decide to keep the child and raise him yourself, you are opting in for a minimum of 18 more years of being responsible for the care of a child. The smoking and drug use that weren't good for your baby during pregnancy: they still aren't good for the child after birth either. Infants living in homes with smokers are at higher risks for asthma and SIDS in addition to being exposed to all that toxic second-hand smoke. Drinking can be a problem too if it happens often enough, or in enough quantity, to render you incapable of providing appropriate care to your little one. A good rule of thumb might be that you should avoid having any bad habits that you wouldn't want your child to adopt.
■ One of the first things your child needs from you, aside from food nourishment, is love. Love is a powerful thing. In their own unique way, your child begins to bond with you from their first moment of contact with you, through scent and sound and sight and feel. Over time, as your darling baby learns how to connect to the world around them and the people within it, those early bonds will grow and evolve into a special kind of love that can only exist between a responsible parent and their cherished child. Children who know they are loved and supported by their parents will grow up happier and with more self confidence. They will be less likely to give in to negative peer pressures, use drugs, or be arrested. Don't believe me? Go do the research yourself; every reputable source I've read backs up these statements.
■ Responsible parents raise their own children. Let me say that again: Responsible parents raise their own children!
Now, I'd never suggest that any parent be required to spend every waking minute with their child for 18 years. That would be silly. There are many families where the parent(s) have to work, so daycares are wonderful places to facilitate this. Friends and relatives make wonderful babysitters, from time to time, and allow the parent(s) a little "adult" time while giving the child a chance to learn to bond with and trust people that their parents say are safe.
However, if you literally cannot cope without babysitters, then it is possible that you need to rethink your suitability as a parent and, at the very least, stop having children. Furthermore, if there are people in your life with whom you are only friends because they will do part of your parenting job for you, then you may also need to rethink your suitability as a friend. For that, you may refer back to Part I of this series.
■ Along these same lines, responsible parents do not have more children than they can take care of, and they make sure that they take care of all the children they do have. (To specify, this is speaking primarily about parents in the modernized world. In non-modernized cultures, responsibility has an entirely different meaning.) Please understand that I have no problems with parents who have large families. I have two different friends who each have 5 children, and while there are families with more, 5 is certainly more than the average American family. Both of these friends, however, are excellent parents to their children. They take seriously the task of being responsible parents, and they are both women whom I respect and admire. However, I have also met a fair share of people with only 3 or 4 children who are completely incapable (or simply unwilling) of taking care of their children. They expect other people to donate all manner of items needed for children; they see every person in their lives as babysitters; they look for every opportunity to spend time away from their children or shift the care of those children onto someone else. They take no responsibility for the fact that they allowed themselves to become pregnant and give birth to more children when they were already struggling to provide adequate care to the children they already had. They chose to disregard responsibility, and it is their children who will pay the price in the long run.
■ Responsible parents understand that discipling children is necessary if you love them. Children who never have to face the consequences of their actions grow up to be adults that don't understand that actions have consequences. Responsible parents say "no" to their children sometimes. Responsible parents are in charge; they are not rules by the whims and wishes of their children.
■ Responsible parents understand that discipling children is necessary if you love them. Children who never have to face the consequences of their actions grow up to be adults that don't understand that actions have consequences. Responsible parents say "no" to their children sometimes. Responsible parents are in charge; they are not rules by the whims and wishes of their children.
■ Responsible parents are loving parents and, therefore, enjoy spending time with their children. They know that playing is the "occupation" of children, and they enjoy taking time to be silly with their children, reinforcing the bonds of love and support and stimulating the senses of even those littlest of babies.
■ Responsible parents are honest with their children. They are honest about their pride in their children. They are honest about their love. They are honest about their expectations. They are honest about their disapproval or disappointment, when they feel these. In short, children cannot begin to learn how to act, when they are not clear about how they are expected to act. Responsible parents use honesty to help children learn right and wrong, good and bad.
■ Responsible parents know that, even though their children go to school during the week, their children's education is their responsibility. They understand that education doesn't only happen in a classroom; it takes place at home, in the car, in the grocery store. The know that talking with children is important, even if the kids aren't old enough to talk back yet. They know that reading to children, and later letting them read to you, is important to building reading and vocabulary skills. They know that the appropriate response to "Daddy, please help me with my homework" is never ever going to be "Just let me do it for you." They take seriously the way they speak in front of their children. They are proud of their children's educational accomplishments and encourage them to always be better, work harder, learn more.
■ Responsible parents make the needs of their children a priority. If the child needs glasses, the parent might forgo buying a cell phone upgrade or some other non-essential item. If the child is in private school and tuition is due, they might sacrifice eating out and manicures to pay the tuition, rather than hoping for it to be paid by some anonymous donor. Responsible parents feed the child before they feed themselves. There's an old saying that says "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." A responsible parent knows that Mama's happiness (and Daddy's) is tied to knowing that their children are taken care of.
■ Responsible parents do not abandon their children. Even when divorce or a break-up separate them from their children for some of the time, they make every effort to remain connected and maintain their parent/child bonds. They call, they visit, they spend time together even if it means inconveniencing themselves.
In addition, responsible parents do not let a soured relationship deter them from taking care of their children, nor do they allow the negativity of that soured relationship to burden or weigh down their children. Responsible parents do not put their children into the middle of adult problems. They act like adults, thus allowing the children to act like children.
Responsible parents know that financial support is important too. They are never labeled as "deadbeats" if they are truly responsible. They support their children in every aspect.
■ Finally, a responsible parent knows that their job doesn't end on their child's 18th birthday. They know that a parent is a parent forever. Even as adults, we all still need our parents sometimes. I don't know where I would be right now if my parents and grandparents weren't still involved in my life. My parents still help me immensely, in so many ways. My grandparents still are a help to their children and grandchildren. And, now that I am a parent, my parents and grandparents are all invaluable people in my son's life. And I, in turn, know that my son will be "my baby" for his whole life, and I know that I am excited to meet the man he will grow up to be.
I work hard to be a responsible parent, and I can only imagine how drastically the world would change if every parent were willing to fully accept the responsibility of being a parent.
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Responsibility Series, January 2012
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