In a time when nothing is more certain than change, the commitment of two people to one another has become difficult and rare. Yet, by its scarcity, the beauty and value of this exchange have only been enhanced.
~Robert Sexton
Let's face it: Not all couples who love one another choose to get married; and not all people who get married do so because they love one another. And some people cannot marry, even though they love another and want to spend forever together, because lawmakers think that they should have the right to choose who can marry and who can't. But this post is not about the politics of marriage equality; I have written about that before ► here ◄.
I have been married. I have been divorced. I have dated, then hated. I have lived with boyfriends, and lived apart form them. I have dumped and have been dumped. I have begun and ended relationships—sometimes after many years, and several times after only a few days. As I write this post, I am 28 years old. Life has many lessons yet to teach me about love and romance and relationships, but there are a few things I have learned already that I consider to be certainties.
- Romance can blossom between two people who never imagined that they were one another's "type." True love does not know money, does not concern itself with race, can overlook age, can transcend religion, does not comprehend stereotypes, and cares nothing about society's accepted gender roles.
- Responsibility is as vital to romantic relationships as it is to friendships or any other type of relationship. And, like in friendship, you can only be responsible for your own actions, and must hold yourself responsible for your actions within the relationship.
- Responsible love demands honesty. No healthy, responsible relationship of any kind can be built upon a foundation of lies and deceit.
Beyond these simple truths, I have learned some other things about relationships:
■ In love, no one can be "stolen" from you unless they are willing to be stolen. Anyone who is truly happy in their relationship has no reason to leave the relationship. You are not necessarily to blame for your partners happiness; it may be simply that you are not capable of giving them what they want. You cannot make everyone happy all the time, and sometimes your romantic partner might be one of the people you are unable to please. All you can do is your best.
■ The grass is rarely greener on the other side. Do you have friends who are a couple and seem unnaturally happy with one another all the time? There are two probably causes:
- They are newlyweds or a new couple, and are still enjoying the "newness" of their love.
- They are good actors.
Television, movies, and print media (romance novels, in particular) have given generations of people unreal expectations of what "good" relationships are supposed to look like. These forms of media are so prevalent in our society that people forget that they all—even "reality" television—are stories made up for the entertainment of masses of people. Real relationships are hard! They require constant compromise, ceaseless communication, great patience, empathy, tolerance, and acceptance. Fights happen, tears happen, and people get hurt. But in real, responsible love, the love never goes away. Real, responsible love makes amends, apologizes, and moves forward toward healing...and in the end is stronger for having been tested and survived.
■ Marriage (or children) will not "fix" a broken relationship. If a relationship is already broken, bringing new challenges into the relationship are never never never the fix. It is simply not responsible to do so. And if you are insecure in your marriage, having three unplanned babies (because of a willful lack of prevention) within a span of two years....well, that's just a really stupid choice, but I'll discuss that more in Part III.
■ You cannot save a relationship singlehandedly. If one person in a relationship is determined to leave, it's better to go ahead and let them go rather than dig in and hold on, keeping them through guilt or begging. In the end, they will still leave, and it will be more painful. Responsible love accepts when it is time to just let go.
■ When marriages and relationships are strained, they can be fixed, but only if both people involved are willing to put in the work to fix them. The efforts of one person will never be enough to fix issues that arise and affect a couple.
It's not news to anyone that the divorce rate in the United States is significantly higher than they were when our parents were children. Half the children in the country (not an exact statistic) are being raised by single parents, and most of the people I know have been divorced at least once. While I admit that many of these relationships are likely to have had fatal flaws, I believe that even more of them—my own included—were the victims of irresponsibility. I got married too quickly and for all the wrong reasons to a man I had known not nearly long enough only a few days after I legally became and adult....what was I thinking?! The answer, simply put, is that I didn't do nearly enough thinking before making that decision. Lots of people rush into "serious" relationships, not realizing that commitments are not supposed to be made lightly. They involve a great deal of responsibility.
■ Open relationships do not work. "Swinging" relationships do not work. Oh, sure, maybe in the short term...but in the long run, any relationship where one or both partners are going outside the relationship to have their romantic-emotional or sexual needs met is just not a healthy relationship in any way. Responsible love finds a way to work without outside "influence."
■ When you end a relationship or cause a relationship to end, you forfeit your privilege to be a part of your then-ex's life. If you are lucky enough to part on good terms, you still have no right to make decisions for them, make demands of them, or obligate them to do anything or act in any particular way. Their life is their own, and you no longer have a say-so in the choices they make.
■ Lastly, if you're not willing to put in the time and work that go into building a healthy relationships, you should make the responsible choice to remain single. It is unfair to begin a relationship with anyone knowing that you aren't willing to bear your share of the responsibility for making it work.
Hard work goes a long way toward making relationships work—hard work & responsibility.
It's not news to anyone that the divorce rate in the United States is significantly higher than they were when our parents were children. Half the children in the country (not an exact statistic) are being raised by single parents, and most of the people I know have been divorced at least once. While I admit that many of these relationships are likely to have had fatal flaws, I believe that even more of them—my own included—were the victims of irresponsibility. I got married too quickly and for all the wrong reasons to a man I had known not nearly long enough only a few days after I legally became and adult....what was I thinking?! The answer, simply put, is that I didn't do nearly enough thinking before making that decision. Lots of people rush into "serious" relationships, not realizing that commitments are not supposed to be made lightly. They involve a great deal of responsibility.
■ Open relationships do not work. "Swinging" relationships do not work. Oh, sure, maybe in the short term...but in the long run, any relationship where one or both partners are going outside the relationship to have their romantic-emotional or sexual needs met is just not a healthy relationship in any way. Responsible love finds a way to work without outside "influence."
■ When you end a relationship or cause a relationship to end, you forfeit your privilege to be a part of your then-ex's life. If you are lucky enough to part on good terms, you still have no right to make decisions for them, make demands of them, or obligate them to do anything or act in any particular way. Their life is their own, and you no longer have a say-so in the choices they make.
■ Lastly, if you're not willing to put in the time and work that go into building a healthy relationships, you should make the responsible choice to remain single. It is unfair to begin a relationship with anyone knowing that you aren't willing to bear your share of the responsibility for making it work.
Hard work goes a long way toward making relationships work—hard work & responsibility.
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Responsibility Series, January 2012
LOVE IT!
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