Kaleb is home from a fun sleepover night at my mom's house, and I'm in much better shape than I was when I dropped him off at daycare yesterday morning. Things had been a little tough lately, and I'm so thankful to have had a day to focus on me and to do some mental and emotional housekeeping. As anyone who's a parent already knows, you can't be as good a parent if you yourself are falling apart!
A Rough Start to 2012
Back on New Year's Day, I resolved that 2012 would be my Year of Acceptance. What I have discovered is that accepting things as they come my way means that I am unable to ignore them and simply hope they will go away. Life has shown me that ignoring problems rarely solves them, and I'm also learning that facing problems head-on is both the most-productive and sometimes the most-painful way to handle them. And I don't know about you, but I would rather just bite the bullet and get things over with than try to draw them out and deal with that dull ache over a prolonged time.
Several weeks ago, I had to take Kaleb out of the daycare he had been attending since he was only weeks old, a daycare that I once loved and highly recommended to others. We've found a great new place, but Kaleb's adjustment to a new environment and my adjustment to an altered morning routine have been a little bit stressful.
Of course, there's also the ever-present stresses of parenting, not at all diminished by my being a single parent. I love my son, and I love spending time with him, but it was begin to wear on me when I'm with Kaleb every waking moment that isn't taken up by work—except for the shorts drives back and forth between my work and his daycare.
Devalued and Demoralized at Work
While I truly do have a job I enjoy for the first time in my life, one where I'm willing to go the extra mile above and beyond the bare minimum of what's required, it's incredibly disheartening to work so consistently and so hard without receiving any real recognition from the majority of the people I work for. My most direct boss, new to her position this year, is great about telling us that she appreciates us and our hard work. Unfortunately, the recognition stops there. I know I should be thankful, since many people get no recognition at all at their jobs, but I admit that I want to be noticed along with my peers, for the care that we put into doing our jobs to the best of our abilities.
These feelings came to a head a few days ago at work. Our school is going to receive some reward money from the state because of the exemplary scores our students made on standardized tests last year. According to the state's policies about the distribution of this money, it is up to the faculty and staff of each school to decide how to divide their reward dollars. Those of us who are in support roles at the school suggested the funds be divided equally among everyone, since we all keep the school running properly to facilitate learning. Unfortunately, the teachers outnumber us by about 5 to 1, and voted for themselves to get lottery-type payouts while the rest of us will receive barely anything. Now, understand that I had never even heard of this reward money until about a month ago, and have happily done my job plus some for as long as I've worked there. For me, this vote on the distribution just reinforces to me that the majority of my co-workers don't value my peers or me.
Mental Health Day
With all the things I've had clogging my head lately, I just needed some time to myself to decompress and relax a bit. As a parent, those solitary moments are precious, and finding an entire block of solitary time is not an easy task. I remembered that I we had already made plans for Kaleb to go spend last night at my mom's place—sleepovers at Grammy's house are always a fun treat—so I decided to expand that to get some "me" time. I went to work on Thursday and made arrangements to take a mental health day the following day, yesterday. The stress at work had been building, and I knew it was starting to make me less effective. The plans for Mom to pick Kaleb up at daycare Friday afternoon made Friday the perfect choice. Thursday evening, I called up my friend Sharra and we planned to go to lunch together Friday.
Stiletto Therapy
Friday morning, I dropped Kaleb off at daycare and ran a couple of errands then went home for a relaxing breakfast. While home, I got an email from my darling friend, Jack, who said he knew that I was taking a day for myself and told me he was sending me some funds to take myself shoe shopping—he knows me so well. I called Sharra again and told her that we were going to need to add some shoe shopping to our lunch plans. It didn't take much convincing to get her on-board. Thanks to amazing prices and an equally-amazing coupon, Sharra and I were able to make good use of our shoe budget. I, of course, stocked up on a summer's worth of sandals and flip-flops. And then I saw them. I've had a long love affair with shoes, and I used to practically life in my high heels, but lately that's been on hold in favor of more practical, casual, work-comfortable shoes. Let's face it, high heels don't agree with pregnancy, single motherhood, or spending days on my feet working with special needs kids. My well-loved heels from my pre-Kaleb life spend most of their time now in plastic shoe boxes stacked neatly in the bottom corner of my closet. But yesterday, I couldn't resist. I saw the most wonderful shoes and found them in my size, intending to just try them on and then put them back on the shelf. But once they were on, I felt so great. They brought back a little piece of my less-stress life from 4-5 years ago. So, even though I will have only a very few occasions to wear them, I brought home the beautiful new straw-colored raffia and wood stilettos.
Smile!
The original reason for Kaleb's sleepover with his Grammy last night—aside from it just being tons of fun for Kaleb—was so that I could attend the Friday night performance of "Smile!" being put on by Tate High School's drama department. After lunch and shopping, I dropped Sharra back off at her office and went home to wash my hair and get ready to go out to the show. Although I had already decided what I wanted to wear, I changed my plans and built a different outfit around the new stilettos. I wanted the opportunity to go out on my own looking as great as those shoes were making me feel at the moment! And that's exactly what I did. I went to the show, got numerous compliments on my fabulous shoes, and saw a really fun show!
It so happened that I sat, for the second year in a row at a Tate drama musical, directly behind the superintendent of the local school district. Last year, I had taken a teacher friend of mine to the show with me, one who the superintendent knew, and she had introduced me to him. At the show's intermission, he turned around and said hello to me. I mentioned that it seemed like fate that I was sitting behind him again, and when I said that he remembered having met me the previous year. He asked me if I was still working at the same school, and I confirmed that I was. Then he asked how the school year was going for me work-wise. And so I told him. Politely and respectfully, but I told him. It felt so good to have the chance to share some of my thoughts with the person who actually is my highest-level boss! I know he isn't in a position to do anything to change a state-level policy, but it was nice to be heard.
Howdy, Cowboy.
After the show, I was heading back to Sharra's photography studio. Jack's only request, after hearing my report of our shoe shopping, was that we send him a pic of the shoes I had so fallen in love with. I texted Sharra as I was leaving the show, and asked if there was anything I needed to pick up on my way. She said her sweet tooth was making demands, so I decided to pop into Sonic on my way to the studio and pick up some frozen treats. I was feeling pretty great by this point, after the compliments on the shoes and the chat with the "big boss," so I cranked up the radio and headed to the drive-in. As I was ordering our sweets (yes, I turned down the radio), a gigantic white dual-wheeled pickup truck pulled into the stall to my right. After I had ordered, the driver of the truck got my attention. He wanted to talk, apparently, but I was unable to reach the handle to roll down my passenger-side window. Once he realized I couldn't put down the window to talk to him, he decided to come over to talk to me. As his truck was enormous, he had to exit his trucks through the window and climb down. So, as I watched, the most handsome cowboy I've ver seen—Wranglers, boots, cowboy hat, the works—came clambering out the window of tha truck and walked around to talk to me. He flashed me the most charming smile and said "Nice sticker!" Anyone who has seen my car knows that I have well over a dozen stickers on my car, so I replied, "Which One?"
Sleeping In
After pictures and chit-chat with Sharra, I came home. I felt so happy and satisfied with the wonderful day that was at an end. It took me a while to wind down, but I finally crawled into bed at about 2a.m. this morning Luckily, I knew Kaleb wouldn't be home until after lunch time today, so I would be able to sleep in a bit. I did just that, staying comfortably in bed until nearly 10 this morning!
It was a great day, and exactly what I needed to get me back to feeling the way I want to feel all the time! I am calm, relaxed, and once again feeling some peace with my life. I have renewed belief that I am valuable at work, even if no one else has sense enough to acknowledge that fact. I know that I am loved by my friends and family, and that I am lucky to be surrounded by such an amazing group of people. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I have regained some confidence that I hadn't even realized I had lost. I am certain that, in heels or in flip-flops, I will be walking a bit taller now. Look out, world, this redhead is back!
It was a great day, and exactly what I needed to get me back to feeling the way I want to feel all the time! I am calm, relaxed, and once again feeling some peace with my life. I have renewed belief that I am valuable at work, even if no one else has sense enough to acknowledge that fact. I know that I am loved by my friends and family, and that I am lucky to be surrounded by such an amazing group of people. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I have regained some confidence that I hadn't even realized I had lost. I am certain that, in heels or in flip-flops, I will be walking a bit taller now. Look out, world, this redhead is back!
(Portraits in this post by Sharra Clark @ Bella Angel Photography, used with permission.)
I had a blast hanging out with you yesterday and I ADORE my new shoes. Amazing how new shoes can make everything better, well that and some great company. Thank you again for including me. I am glad that you are feeling better and that you gained some of the more confident you back. Love you dear friend.
ReplyDeletecowboys eh? funny stuff!
ReplyDeletethose shoes are damn hot though. best money i've spent in a long long time! love the shoes. and love the pics sharra took. tell her she is welcome to send me pics of you any time she feels like it! and love you too of course gorgeous girl!